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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25277917">With You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucindaAM/pseuds/LucindaAM'>LucindaAM</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>My Guilty Pleasure One-Shots [9]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/M, Heavy Angst, Light Swearing, No Smut, There will be a happy ending, Vague Mentions of Suicide, escaping</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:55:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,438</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25277917</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucindaAM/pseuds/LucindaAM</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>You'd been suffering from depression for awhile now, you were just too good at hiding it. In the end though, bottling it up doesn't do any good and you find yourself fleeing from the family you'd somehow managed to luck into. </p><p>The question is; is the Winter Soldier good enough to find someone who doesn't want to be found? Or will you be lost forever?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes &amp; Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>My Guilty Pleasure One-Shots [9]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1997734</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>174</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>With You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm no psychologist and I definitely didn't mean for this to go in the direction that it did. But this is for all of you out there who feel alone and like the whole world is against them. I've been there. I get it. You're not alone. I may not know who you are, but I stand WITH YOU. You're more than you think. You'll be missed more than you know. If you can't make it till tomorrow, that's okay. Because all you need to do right now is make it to the next minute. Then the one after that. It does get better. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will. This I promise.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You had bad days.  </p><p>Everyone did, of course. </p><p>But yours were different. </p><p>Your bad days sent you right back into the screaming hell you’d lived in for nearly seventy years. Right back into the jaws of HYDRA.  </p><p>It was during your bad days that you relieved, in vivid detail, every torture, every murder, every second you’d been twisted and molded in HYDRA’s evil image. </p><p>On the bad days, you could see yourself for what you were, a horrible, worthless monster who didn’t deserve to belong on the team, let alone in the world. On the bad days, it was easy to wish not to be in the world at all. </p><p>Today was one of the bad days. Yesterday had been one too. And the day before that. In fact, you weren’t sure when the last good day had been. But something about today had set you off more than before. </p><p>Looking back on it, it wasn’t hard to see what it was. </p><p>You and Bucky had been together for decades now. Ever since HYDRA had pulled you kicking and screaming into their clutches. Just the latest in the most recent potential Winter Soldiers. You’d fought together, you’d bled together, you’d escaped together. </p><p>But when Steve had brought the two of you to the Avengers and the two of you, for the first time in nearly a century, had started to heal; you discovered that there was one thing that you COULDN’T do together. You couldn't heal together.</p><p>Today proved that. </p><p>Bucky had managed to drag you down to the common room. The whole team had been gathered to watch the latest in the Captain America detention videos that the kid had started bringing over. Everyone had been laughing. Even Bucky. In fact, you weren’t sure you’d seen Bucky this happy in a long time. Not since Romania at least.  </p><p>But you couldn’t bring yourself to muster enough energy to crack even a single smile as you watched the comedy unfold before you.  </p><p>You’d stayed for as long as you could bear but it didn’t take long before you couldn’t take it anymore. Bucky was doing well here. He didn’t need you to drag him down. He was happy here. You stood from your perch on the arm of the sofa and snuck out of the room. </p><p>You were sure no one had noticed. </p><p>No one ever did. </p><p>You were born for the shadows after all. </p><p>You made your way to the room you’d been sharing with Bucky. Almost robotically, you ran through your movements. Muscle memory doing most of the work. How often had you been here? Going through the motions of your escape only for something or someone to interrupt you before you could follow through? </p><p>This time, there was no one to stop you as you shuffled the clothes in the closet aside and grabbed your emergency bag. No one stopped you as you pulled the well worn note from your pocket and set it on Bucky’s pillow. </p><p>No one stopped you as you reached into your pocket and pulled out your phone, using it to deactivate JARVIS for long enough for you to escape the tower before you smashed the final tie to this new life to pieces at your feet. </p><p>You took one last look around the place you’d overstayed your welcome, and then, like a ghost in the night. You were gone. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Bucky glanced around the room as the laughter started dying down. He’d been having a good day. One of the first in a long time. For the first time in years, he woke up from a deep sleep without having had a single nightmare. He was healing here. Finally. He could feel it. </p><p>What was better is he felt SAFE here. Nothing could get to him or you. The two of you could have that future you’d barely dared to talk about in half voiced hopes and whispered dreams. He couldn’t wait to share it with you.  </p><p>He’d brought you downstairs when the kid had arrived. He was eager to share this with you. It reminded him of the propaganda films Steve had made during the war. Bucky had wanted to laugh with you about how unfortunate Steve’s lot in life had always been, despite the muscles. But looking around for you now . . . he couldn’t find you. </p><p>His brow furrowed as he searched the shadows of the room more earnestly. Instincts had a sinking feeling begin curling on the inside of his gut, but he did his best to brush it aside. You were SAFE. The compound was SAFE.  </p><p>Nat caught Bucky’s eye and she gently inclined her head out of the room. Bucky shot her a grateful smile as he slipped away from the rest of the team and wandered towards your rooms. You spent as much time there as you could. Old habits died hard and you’d hadn’t often been allowed out of your cell while with HYDRA. It was another reason Bucky had dragged you downstairs for “movie night”. </p><p>Bucky opened the door to your rooms and stepped inside. “Doll?” He called. </p><p>There was no answer. </p><p>This time, he couldn’t fight the feeling of wrongness that threatened to swallow him whole. </p><p>He raced through the rooms, looking for you. </p><p>The second he saw the faded slip of paper resting against his pillow, he knew. </p><p>You were gone. </p><p>With shaking knees and trembling hands he moved towards the bed and picked up the slip of paper. He could already imagine what would be found there, but he couldn’t stop himself from reading the smudged words anyway. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Bucky - I don’t belong here. I never did. So, I’m going to leave. Don’t try to follow me. Don’t bother trying to find me. You belong here, Bucky. With this family you’ve found for yourself. You can be happy here. You can be whole here. So, live your life Bucky. And thank you for the greatest parts of mine.” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Bucky wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting there when Steve’s voice sounded from the doorway. “Bucky?” </p><p>Bucky’s head shot up and he brushed the tears away from his face as he glanced at his life-long friend. Steve held the shattered remains of a familiar phone in his hands as he stepped further into the room. </p><p>Bucky watched in displaced horror as Steve tossed the remains of your phone into the trashcan by the door as he moved to Bucky’s side. </p><p>Steve gently pulled the crumpled paper from Bucky’s grip and read the words that had effectively broken Bucky’s heart in a way neither of the men were sure it would ever be able to heal from.  </p><p>“She’ll be back, Buck. Course she will. Anyone with eyes can see she’s head over heels for you.” Steve said gently, placing a hand on his friends shoulder. </p><p>Bucky shook his head, his eyes still glued to the trash can by the door. “She shattered her phone.” He said, his voice monotone and lifeless. </p><p>“I’m sure she’ll get another one. No one can live without one these days. She’ll find a way to get in contact.” </p><p>Bucky shook his head again. “You don’t get it, punk. We never shattered phones. We always tossed ‘em when we were on the run. Best case scenario, someone finds it and claims it as their own, leading your pursuers on a wild goose chase. Worst case scenario, it gives you a head start while your pursuers think you’ve stayed put. We never smashed ‘em. It was a dead give away that we were on to them.” </p><p>Bucky’s hands curled into fists and Steve’s eyes closed as he finished the unspoken thought. </p><p>“She ain’t coming back, Stevie.” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Steve had managed to convince Bucky to sleep for a few hours. He’d been making so much progress and then for something like this to happen . . . Steve wasn’t sure how long it would take to get his friend back this time.  </p><p>A part of Steve wanted to blame you for leaving. For putting his friend through this hell. But a bigger part of him recognized that he only had himself to blame. He’d been so busy working on his friend and doing everything in his power to “fix” Bucky, he hadn’t spared two seconds to see how you were doing. Hell, he’d been depressed! How had he not seen the signs??? </p><p>Steve opened the door to the R&amp;D labs and nodded at Bruce as he walked to Tony’s desk. “We’ve got a problem.” He started. </p><p>Tony nodded. “Mmm-hmm. I agree. It’s a problem you’re only just now coming to see where the magic happens, Capscicle. How often have I invited you down?” </p><p>Steve slammed a hand down on the table. “This is serious, Tony.” </p><p>Tony froze at the tone of Steve’s voice and glanced up at the soldier. “What’s wrong?” </p><p>Steve dumped the remains of your phone on the table and whispered your name. “She’s missing.” </p><p>“Missing? Or . . .” </p><p>“She left, Tony. Bucky doesn’t think she’s coming back.” Steve paused and then in a much quieter voice. “Or that she even wants to be found.” </p><p>Tony swallowed hard at the chunks of plastic and wiring littering his desk. He’d never admit it, but he’d grown fond of you. You were one of the few people who understood his darker sense of humor. One of the few people he felt like he understood well enough to help. You’d opened up to him in a way that no one had expected and he’d grown to love your impromptu visits to the lab.  </p><p>“That’s not an option.” Tony finally murmured. “FRIDAY. Run a facial scan. We’re bringing her home, kicking and screaming if we have to. She’s family.” </p><p>Steve nodded. “Let me know what I can do.” </p><p>Tony was already busy running traces and tweaking coding but he nodded absentmindedly. “We’ll find her.” He promised.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The first month, Bucky barely managed to get out of bed. Steve did everything he could think of to get Bucky to move. Staying in bed was bound to make things worse for the ex-assassin, but no amount of coddling, cajoling, encouraging or even threatening managed to get Bucky out of bed. It wasn’t until Natasha had come in and whispered a few sentences in terse Russian that Bucky even acknowledged that someone else was in the room. </p><p>Steve watched in awe as Bucky nodded slowly and picked himself off the bed, walking slowly to the shower. </p><p>Steve turned to Nat who raised a brow. </p><p>“What on earth did you say to him?” Steve asked. </p><p>“I told him he was no good to her like this. Stark’s been at it a month, Steve. If you were going to find her with technology, you would have by now. Bucky knows how she thinks. If he’s going to bring her back, he needs to find her himself. For both their sakes.” </p><p>Steve nodded absently as he waited for Bucky to finish his shower and he promised himself one thing. He’d do whatever it took to bring you back. Tony was right. You were family. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The second month came and went with boots on the ground. Though they’d been called back a couple of times for various missions, every free second they had, Bucky and Steve were tracing your moves through the world. They had little, if anything to go on and most of your haunts had been abandoned weeks before they got there. It was slow going and Steve could tell it was taking it’s toll on his friend. </p><p>No matter what they did, they always seemed to be a few steps behind.  </p><p>It was beginning to seem like an impossible task. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The third and fourth months came and went in a similar way. And then, at the beginning of the fifth month, a lucky break. </p><p>“What, Stark?” Steve asked, answering the phone. He and Bucky were on the way back to the jet after the millionth dead end. Bucky had withdrawn into himself again. It was one of the signs Steve was beginning to recognize. It’s how you’d acted right before you’d pulled your disappearing act. Steve was beginning to worry that it was only a matter of time before Bucky followed your lead. Though Steve would go to hell and back if it meant saving his friend, Steve couldn’t lose Bucky. Not again. </p><p>“Your mama teach you those manners, Rogers?” Tony questioned.  </p><p>Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sorry, Tony. Tensions are running a little high.” </p><p>“I take it you found another dead end?” Tony asked. </p><p>Steve sighed. “Yeah. I’m . . . I’m not sure how many more we can find before we lose them both.” </p><p>Tony let out a breath. His relationship with the former Winter Soldier was on rocky ground at best, but he’d admit he’d grown to accept the man as a figure on the team. He didn’t envy Bucky the pain of losing his significant other. Tony couldn’t imagine what he would do if he ever lost Pepper. He’d already been too close for comfort too many times. </p><p>“Well, tell your sad sack I think I got a lead.” </p><p>Steve’s head shot up and he glanced at Bucky who was eyeing him emotionlessly. </p><p>“This better not be a joke, Tony.” Steve said. </p><p>“Even I know this is no laughing matter, Rogers. She messed up. I got her on video. How close are you to the jet?” </p><p>“We’ll be there in twenty.” </p><p>“Make it ten. I can’t guarantee how long she’ll stay put. Info is loaded on the jet computers.” </p><p>“If this pans out, Stark. I’ll owe you.” Steve promised as he broke into a run. Bucky easily kept pace with him. </p><p>Tony laughed. “If this works, bring her home. We’ll call it even.”  </p><p>Steve hung up the phone and glanced at his friend. “Stark found her.” He said. </p><p>Bucky’s eyes lit up in a way they hadn’t in months. “What are we waiting for?” He demanded, picking up the pace. </p><p>The two soldiers made it to the jet in just under ten minutes. Bucky raced immediately to the computer console as Steve sealed the jet and started the autopilot. “Where are we headed?” He called back to Bucky. </p><p>Bucky traced a finger over your face on the screen of the computer. “Romania.” He said. After all this time. There you were. “She’s in Romania.” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>You didn’t know what had drawn you back here. It was a risky move. You knew that. You had more than a few people on your trail. Damn Stark and his money. He’d found more than a few people willing to hunt you down for what you’d heard was a decent payday. He wasn’t the only one to sic people on your trail either. You’d heard down the grapevine that Clint and Natasha had called in a few favors as well. </p><p>When were these people going to learn? </p><p>They were better off without you. </p><p>You just wanted to be left alone. </p><p>Maybe that’s what drew you back to Romania. You needed a little peace and quiet. Just for a few days. You were just so tired of always looking over your shoulder. </p><p>Besides, Romania was the last time you remembered feeling the vague fluttering's of hope. And it was one of the last places you’d been with Bucky.  </p><p>Oh how you missed Bucky. </p><p>You stumbled into your cheap rented room with a half drunk bottle of black-market vodka in one hand and a pitiful selection of produce in the other. Finding money while on the run wasn’t as easy or fun as it had cracked up to be and you’d spent most of what little you had on you on the booze. At the moment, drowning your sorrows was more important than quelling the rumblings in your stomach anyway. </p><p>You wished the vodka had more of an effect.  </p><p>You slumped onto the threadbare mattress you’d shoved into the corner of the room and let the tears fall from your eyes. Not for the first time, you wondered why you were even fighting at all. Wouldn’t it be easier to slip away? There was nothing tying you down anymore anyway. You’d made sure of that when you’d severed all connections with the only family you had left. </p><p>You took another swig of the bottle.  </p><p>No. You weren’t there yet. That was something not even you could come back from. You could hold out for another day. </p><p>You weakly raised your bottle into the air in mock of a toast before taking another few large gulps of the burning liquid.  </p><p>You ran a hand across your lips. You were about to turn to the bag of half-rotted food you’d salvaged for dinner when a noise in the corridor made your entire body go instantly on alert. You hadn’t survived HYDRA training where others hadn’t for nothing. Your instincts were almost always right and in the few days you’d camped out in this hell hole, you’d noted the tread of every single person who frequented the hovel.  </p><p>These footsteps were too new to be a tenant and too familiar to be a coincidence. </p><p>One word flitted through your head. “Flee.” </p><p>Without a second of hesitation, you scrambled to the end of the bed and grabbed your bag. You raced to the bathroom and locked the door behind you, leaving your pitiful dinner and your bottle of vodka behind. You’d mourn their losses later. You flung your bag over your shoulders and untucked your shirt, leaving your gun in the waistband of your jeans. As quietly as possible, you slid the window in the bathroom open and shimmied your way out onto the ledge. Years of training let you keep your balance as you reached back and gently slid the window shut. Then, you quietly started climbing the crumbling bricks, headed towards the roof. Whoever was coming for you would eventually think to check the roof, sure. But you’d be long gone by then. The roof next door was just a jump away and the lock on the roof entrance there had mysteriously been broken around the same time you’d arrived in town.  </p><p>Sure enough, you made the jump easily, rolling to your feet on the next roof. You sent one last glance back to make sure no one had seen your feat of daring, and then you were flinging the door open and racing down to the resident floors. As soon as you made it down, you slowed your pace. You kept your head down and pretended to be shuffling around your bag looking for something as you calmly made your way down the floors towards the front door. You paused just outside the doors and sent a quick glance up and down the street, looking for anything tell-tale. </p><p>You sighed in relief when you failed to spot any nondescript vans.  </p><p>You were just about to open the door when hands reached out and grabbed you, yanking you backwards and into a storage closet.  </p><p>You fought back hard until a ragged voice cut through all your defiance. </p><p>“Stop it, doll. It’s me! It’s just me!” </p><p>The fight slipped right out of you and you collapsed against the broad chest of the man who you’d dreamed of every night for months. Tears blurred your vision and cascaded down your face as Bucky gently turned you around in his arms and titled your face up. </p><p>“You left me.” His voice broke as your eyes met. </p><p>You shrunk in on yourself as you took in the pain in his eyes. “You were better off . . .”  </p><p>Bucky cut you off. “I’m NEVER better off without you, doll. NEVER.” He argued. The firm tone of his voice and the determination in his eyes nearly broke you.  </p><p>You couldn’t say anything but Bucky seemed to read something in your expression. He bent his head down and pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead. “I’m WITH YOU.” He said quietly, reciting the promise the two of you had made countless times to one another. “I’m with you whereever you go, whatever you see. I’m with you when you feel like you’re alone. I’m with you when you feel like you can’t take it anymore. I’m WITH YOU.” </p><p>The tears fell even heavier against your cheeks as you reached your arms out and pulled yourself even closer to him. Bucky’s arms tightened around you and for the first time in a long time, you felt the fluttering of hope within your chest. </p><p>He was WITH YOU.  </p><p>You weren’t alone. You never had been. </p><p>“You came for me.” You murmured. </p><p>“Always.” He promised, pressing a kiss to your head.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This one was more personal than any other fic I've ever posted here because oof, this is me. Been here. Will probably be back here again in the future. So, this is a reminder to myself too. I'm not alone. Even when I feel like it.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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